I have known since well before I had a husband that I wanted to stay home with my future children. Nothing like counting my chicken before they were hatched, ehh? Years later, with a little baby girl growing inside of me, with my husband by my side, together we made a very important decision. A decision that would end up molding our daughters, our marriage, and ultimately molding me into the woman I am today. The decision to be a stay at home mom came with much thought and consideration From the minute Mallory came home from the hospital, I like to think, that on most days, I have taken my job very seriously.
Our job location has changed numerous times in her short 5 years. We ran a daycare together, we lived with “grandma and grandpa”, and then we added a little sister to the mix. Through it all, Mallory and I have had each other. She has gone away to preschool, Community Ed classes, and drop off daycare at the Gym, but she always comes back and most days, we finish our day together. The girls are my days work. The cleaning, laundry, and shopping are perks, but have never been on my job description.
It is a job that has taught me more patience than I ever thought I needed. There are some days I wonder where my extra patience is and I struggle to dig deep enough to find it. Mallory has seen me on my not so great days. These are the days that I wonder if I am really doing justice to the girls’ development.
It has challenged me to be creative. Creative in finding activities to keep an eager and educationally developing little girl active. It has kept my mind active and has kept me from taking the easy way out, when all I really want to do is turn on the television and let Sid, Elmo, or George entertain my kids.
Has it always been easy? Am I perfect at my job? Oh, Hell no. Ask my good friends. Ask my husband. I have many days where I just need to escape. I have felt sucked of all things “me”. I have struggled with how to not lose myself to my children. My sense of identity has been put to the test. I like to believe that I have found a great balance that leaves me feeling like my own person as well as feeling like I do a great job at giving my all to my two little girls. It’s been an adventure but most days we have fun. And most days, after being around the girls for 12+ hours, I love their bedtime. I love the quiet that envelopes the house and the time that I get just for me.
As of tonight, my job description is going to change. Tonight I register Mallory for Kindergarten. Full days, five days a week. I can’t help but feel a little bit guilty, as I feel like I am giving up a whole bunch of work and giving it to someone else to deal with. Sure, the smart side of my brain can see that this thought is ridiculous, but the emotional side of my brain wants to keep her home, keep her little and have it continue to be just us.
Though we are both very, very ready for a change in our days, this change will be big. Someone else will be in charge of Mallory’s activities all day long. I will give up a whole bunch of control, and I sort of like to be in control. I know not to fear, as we will undoubtedly find our rhythm and thrive on our days that will become our new normal.
Remember, this is the part of my blog that becomes my story and memory for my children. I have never ever judged a parent for working full time, part time, or not at all. I am not trying to take anything away from those parents who work full time. I don’t know how you successfully keep a house and family moving along with working full time. You all must perform incredible magic tricks to make it happen…
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