The clarity through the fog...

Mikayla was born 50 days ago. She was loved from the minute I saw her chubby cheeks and held her in my arms. In her first few days I kept thinking to myself "she is such a content little baby"; and then she really woke up. In her first 50 days she has made me question, more then once, whether I know what I am doing as a mother. I keep telling myself and those around me that I just can't figure this little baby out. She is lactose intolerant, can't handle soy and suffers from reflux. The poor thing just doesn't seem content for more than a handful of minutes at a time. Through all of my questioning of what I am doing, right or wrong, over these last 50 days I have missed my mom so much on some days it hurts. I want to call her up and have her come over and scoop Mikayla up in her arms and work her "grandmotherly" magic. I want to call my mom and ask her what we were like as babies and what she did for us as a mom. But that isn't an option. Calling her today would lead me to wonder if today would be a day that she would remember Mikayla's name...

Mikayla and I went back to the doctor today for some extra help with her reflux. She said she wanted to test Mikayla's neck strength to see if she could handle sleeping on her tummy since that would help the reflux and keep her more content while sleeping. She passed with flying colors and she gave us the go ahead. New mothers know that this is unheard of. The "back to sleep" campaign has been shoved down any new mother's throat from the minute the pregnancy test shows positive. While our own mothers can't get over this. As babies, all of us 20 and 30-somethings were put to sleep on our tummies and we all seemed to survive.

I remember my mom used to tell me that when Kate and I were babies she would put us to sleep on our stomachs and we would rub our faces in the sheet "as if saying 'thank you! I love sleep!'" and we would fall asleep. I got home from our appointment today and since Mikayla doesn't sleep in the car, she was tired. I brought her upstairs and put her in her crib--on her stomach. She rubbed her face back and forth, back and forth on the sheet and then fell fast asleep. I stood by her crib, tears filled my eyes, and I missed my mom.